I’ll put the emphasis on the evidence, begging for the proof.
Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth.

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I asked God for the chance to do things wrong. I wanted to come to him the way “real” sinners do, desperately needing his redemption. This was probably foolish of me, but it was what it was, and I wanted it. Because if one does nothing wrong one’s whole life, then one does not need God, and I wanted to need him. I wanted to feel that need for him. And then I wanted to feel anything at all, and that led me to do things wrong. Isn’t it funny how God can give us exactly what we ask for?

I am only a small, lost little girl. The older I get, the littler I realize I am. I realize that I am not going to grow any bigger, and I am not going to find my way. Sometimes I’ve wondered if there is even any way to find. Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about a world in which God did not exist. In some ways it would be liberating: We could do whatever we wanted, no guilt! The Bible says this isn’t true freedom, but in a world without God, what the Bible said wouldn’t matter. I am not saying this is the right way to look at things, only one way to look at them. I do not think it is the right way.

I’ve been feeling aimless since I started thinking like this. In a world without God, what am I supposed to live for? What’s left that even matters? Love? But then, without God, what is love? Do we expect to love by ourselves? We can’t do it. Most people in our culture don’t even believe in love anymore. The young and idealistic do. The couples celebrating their fiftieth anniversary do. But so many of those in between just can’t fit it into the routine functioning of the world. They just don’t see it there. And without God, there is nothing to see.

Here is what it comes down to. I cannot cope with a world devoid of love, and I do not wish to cope with a world devoid of God. There are things I can never see with my eyes, but it wouldn’t be faith if I could. Anyone can believe their eyes. It takes something different to believe your heart. I am still learning this. Sometimes I am still dumbfounded by what my God has done. I am human. Perhaps I am wrong. But I would rather be happy than right.

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"The essence of prayer is song, and man cannot live without a song." ~ Heschel

Savior
He can move the mountains.
My God is mighty to save.
Forever
author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave.
Jesus conquered the grave.

Sarah: let's play the state game.
Mandii: umm..... Charizard. NO! That's my groin slash ovaries!
Sarah: I'm pretty sure your ovaries are up here.
Mandii: then it's my groin.
Sarah: I'm pretty sure you don't have a groin.
Mandii: wrong!!
Sarah: What have you been hiding from me??!!
Mandii: the real reason heather moved out is......
Sarah: eewwww!!!!

Moving right along....

Many things happened today. And yet, nothing at all really happened until dusk had fallen. I went to evening chapel, which I always do when it's offered because it's more worship-centered than regular chapel. Even though I have a sort of love-hate relationship with the band, I generally enjoy hearing them play, even though they usually pick songs I don't know. I've really gained an appreciation for traditional hymns while here. Everybody knows them, and if you don't, well hey, the music is there in the hymnal for you to sightread, so no problem. I mean, it's not like contemporary worship songs are hard to pick up (far from it), but always focusing on learning the proper tune distracts me from the purpose of worshipping.

Tonight was just like any other night in that respect, but I still found myself drawing really close to God. I just sort of allowed the waves of music to wash over me and focused on feeling God's presence instead of trying to decipher the melody that matched the words on the screen - which, I might add, were more about "me" and how God made "me" feel and made "my" life better. This tendency in contemporary worship is another reason that I'm starting to prefer hymns. But words aside, and the fact that the praise band played fantastically tonight aside, and really, the fact that I was in a room filled with people aside, I was just drawn in.

And then they had this prayer up on the screen about calling yourself things like "rejected" when God has "adopted and accepted" you, and I just started crying - not sad tears at the reminder of my recent rejection, but happy tears that the same rejection had set me up to feel so vastly loved by God in a way that I can't remember feeling ever before. I found myself kneeling during the last song, before which most of the others had left. I forgot that I was in a classroom in the basement of the library, that anyone else was in the room at all, and that people had to be making that music that continued to move me even after the prayer. It was beautiful. And all I could do was cry, and pray in my head over and over, "Thank you, Jesus. Thank you."

After that moving spiritual experience, I met up with John, a friend I met during Winter Retreat, to play guitar. He's just learning to play, and wanted me to show him some stuff, which I did to the best of my ability, but I don't consider myself an expert by any stretch of the imagination, nor am I really a teacher - that's my mom. It was fun, regardless, and we did work our way through a couple of praise songs (which I chose specifically because of their simplicity). I borrowed Andrew Piercey's acoustic guitar because I only have my electric on campus. It's much slimmer than mine and has a better cutaway. I'm sort of jealous. Shh, but don't say anything about it to my acoustic guitar. She's pretty. But overweight.

John and I laughed about my chord book being from 1977. Then we realized that it was 10:00 and we weren't allowed to be in my room anymore because visitation hours ended at 10, so we hurriedly packed up everything and went to find somewhere else to play. But there were people in my lounge, so we checked the first floor. And the classroom in the basement. And the sketchy-ish smaller classroom in the basement. ALL were being used! Then we found an open storage room filled with chables (those chairs with desks attached) that looked about as old as my chord book, stacked precariously enough to avalanche at any moment. Perfect.

But we had just set up camp and started playing when Maddie came in, looking bewildered, and asked if the room had been open when we got there, then told us we shouldn't be in there and suggested we go play in a lobby somewhere (even though I'm pretty sure there are rules against hanging out and making noise in the lobbies). Because clearly the reason we were in there was because we wanted to make out, right? The guitars were just a cover. Obviously. So we went and sat on the hard floor in the basement lobby and played there. Curse those visi-freakin-tation rules, BAH!

We were joined by Andrew (not Piercey) and Sarah Mac, and we all played and sang some random praise songs and the one from Juno, "Anyone Else but You." I think we did a better job with it than the recording on the soundtrack (not very hard to do). I don't particularly like the original, either. But it's a really cute song, and really easy to play! We got some food at Claymore and said good night.

Then Sarah and I launched an idea we had all talked about between songs, which was starting a movement to break social norms - do things like stage a musical in Lane, or be a close-talker for a day. Things that would mess with other people and make them feel awkward, you know? We created a Facebook group called SICK PIE, which is an acronym for Spontaneous Infringement of Cultural Kustoms, Paradigms, Institutions and Expectations (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=28588915550). So far we have about six members, which is impressive considering that the group is barely an hour old, and it's the middle of the night - how many people do you really think are chilling on Facebook when there are things to do, like cramming, or sleeping? So I'm pretty stoked to have this excuse to make a complete arse out of myself... just so long as SICK PIE gets big and backs me up! I think we should make stickers featuring our group picture (a piece of pumpkin pie saying, "I put vegetables in your piiieeeee!")

Going to sleep now. I may not have class until 11:25, but I was sort of hoping to get breakfast at Lane since, you know, I haven't bought food for my room since before break. I was going to get some on the way back up, but Sarah and I hitched a ride with Joe, so my parents weren't there to take me grocery shopping. Sad day. Now I have no food. Almost literally. Depending on when I wake up tomorrow and whether the dining hall is still open, it may soon become very painfully literal.